irritable, bitchy sister.

i am the ever-irritable fucking bitch of an older sister in my family

and i think i always have been.

at least, ever since puberty.

i just read a few short stories for my short story English class.

literally finished the last one five minutes ago.

the theme for this week in our stories is "conflict."

so it got me thinkin.

and feelin like they were too similar to my own internal thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and desires when i'm around my family.

sometimes, with every single one of them,

i just feel so much rapid-fire intense hatred of them that i just cannot stand it-

i don't like it that i feel this way.

that it happens so fucking naturally,

like my story arc is careening at breakneck speed towards "villain"

and there's nothing i can do to stop it.

it's been happening more this last week.

or maybe i've just noticed it?

nah, i don't think so.

i'm pretty good at analyzing how i feel and what thoughts and emotions i am exhibiting, regardless of any personal bias

i feel like that's a hugely under-appreciated talent of mine (by everyone pretty much).

fucking tired of this brain of mine.

i have so much internalized misogyny it's not even funny.

I guess going through a couple traumatic emotional conflicts with my family really will do that. as well as society's sexist fucking system and the dismissing of women constantly that I unfortunately internalized and placed on my own experiences and issues.

anyways, my internalized misogyny is directed at myself too. i have parts of myself that are "female," that feel female inside (if you are gender-diverse you will know what I mean), and sometimes, not always but sometimes, i fucking hate them and i hate being a female and fairly feminine naturally.

sometimes, particularly when my intense trauma-related emotions are triggered, i wish i could hurt those parts of myself. that i could hurt myself really, really bad for being a female. it's fucking insane.

i have a feeling i'm not alone in that.

it's sad because i just have this deep, subconscious, really really insanely terrifying feeling that I'm alone. guess that's the bpd...

i can't really explain it other than that. just that i'm completely alone.

bpd is from trauma, by the way, so don't think i'm too crazy. most things are from trauma.

i think i had more to write, but that's all for now, lost my train of thought but it's probably for the best.