for freedom.

Job 3:11 says, "Why did I not die at birth, come out from the womb and expire?"

Job 3:13, "For then I would have lain down and been quiet; I would have slept; then I would have been at rest,"

Job 3:20 & 21, "Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not,"

And 3:23, "Why is light given to to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?"

Finally, Job 3:25: "For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me."

Job 19: 25 & 26, "For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth, And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God,"

I began reading Job a few days ago, meaning to read psalms or proverbs but deciding to settle on Job first, coz why not? When I came across these verses of his expression of his suffering, I was kinda shook. I resonated deeply with the desire for his misery to be gone from him, and the wish to have never been born. There were many times over the last few years that I've felt that would be the only way to escape my anguish - to have never been born.

What's significant about this is that I had a miracle birth. The doctors gave me as close to a zero percent chance as it gets to live past birth - but I did. God did a miracle. And my parents chose to trust Him that no matter what happened, He would provide comfort to them.

For this, I am incredibly thankful, and it's always been there as a signpost, an impenetrable foundation that God's hand desires to grasp my heart, gently, and breathe life back where there is hardness, coldness, rebellion, pain, rage, hatred, all-consuming, torrential fear and sadness, and lack of faith.

When I began freedom, I was in immense psychological and emotional pain. I still am in pain - I struggle with emotional dysregulation to a clinical degree, and some black and white thinking which, when the emotions lock down, makes like a solid brick wall against trusting God or receiving Christ's love.

I've been a Christian since age seven or eight. Into my high school years, my relationship with Jesus strengthened, and He was endlessly faithful and so, so loving and tender to me - I could hear His voice when I prayed and I talked openly to him, coming to him as His child! I had temptations and the beginnings of some psychological difficulties were worming their way in, but He was so, so wonderfully faithful and I thrived in relationship with Christ. I'm so thankful for that, coz looking back, I can't deny His presence and love.

I was used to relying on my emotions in my relationship with Christ, until my emotions seemed to fracture and aim themselves at me like daggers waiting to strike and grinning at me with evil in their eyes. When I felt like I couldn't trust my mind anymore, that all my mental turmoil was too much and I was continually feeling emotionally overwhelmed in the presence of God, I became enraged with him, I hated him, and I turned my back and longed to rebel, believing He'd horribly and suddenly allowed some curse to fall on me, then left me alone.

Freedom groups gave me the community, the consistency, and acceptance needed for me to slowly begin to see the Lord softening my impenetrably hardened heart. My hatred and vehemence felt neverending - in large part due to a lot of interpersonal fractures I had around the time I became an adult and that felt overwhelmingly painful.

But God gave me peace during this 13-week session. He's allowed me to truly remember that his timing isn't my own - and when I'm anxious about the future, or in a super deep emotional low, He's still there - and it's okay to cry out to him. In a lot of little ways, He's lifted my head above the waves. It just happened naturally being in this program, which is totally awesome! It's taught me how healing community is, when I've spent literal years in isolation and loneliness. His gentle, slow, almost imperceptible softening of my heart has allowed me to engage in conversations and recognize truths that I previously wouldn't have been able to without spiraling and hating myself, God, and everyone else.

I want to give a really open, honest, and hopefully really helpful example of one of the specific things I was wrestling with coming into Freedom.

I've had fantasies of being a boy for a long time. I don't always wish I was a boy, but this secret wish hasn't gone away over time. I love psychology- and this is a huge reason why I do. To give some context, there are two categories that researchers have come up with to frame gender variance, and I have discovered that I fit very neatly into one of the two categories. Not many people know about this scientific framework for explaining why some of us naturally struggle with gender, but I find it super helpful. Of course, it doesn't bring Jesus into the equation. To just give a quick summary, over the years God has spoken to my heart and assured me of his good design for male and female, and given me peace about that, when my bent is to feel greatly distressed by it. But Jesus has met me there, in super compassionate and truth-giving ways. He wants to reveal to me His good, purposeful, and loving reality of creating me a female. And I've seen him do this before for me. So, I strongly believe that He can and does do this for other Christians who experience gender-related distress. I've seen and heard other Christians echo what Jesus has shown me, that He's shown them his love and whispered very similar things to their heart, which is pretty cool.

But, going into Freedom, I was beginning to slide down a slope of extreme temptation to make some decisions that I knew were in rebellion against God and His great love because of my anger, hurt, and human, innate desire to rebel and revel in darkness. I believed so many lies about Him, and though I knew the truth about His deep love for me as a woman, I actively wanted to rebel and say "Screw you, I know this is wrong, but I don't care" to his healing, restoring love.

It's an ongoing temptation. The Church knows a lot about homosexuality, and I would argue that my gender situation is a sexual orientation that some people deal with, analogous to same sex attraction, but a different thing.

So, all this to say, over the course of these thirteen weeks, all the softening of my heart and dismantling of some of the harshest, most evil lies the enemy had me hooked on were made quiet. Jesus calmed the storm in that way.

He's steered me away from an all-out rebellion that might've caused changes I couldn't take back. But the temptations aren't gone, and while He's restored a lot of my faith and broken down some walls that prevented His grace from entering in to my hatred and fear, I admit that I still engage in some of these desires. But He's with me. And He's slowly working in me, bringing me to Himself, and giving me peace, which I deeply mistrusted that he would ever do again.

Just being here, and being in community is pretty awesome, but God took it one step further and did His work. He knows me, and He knows that at this point in my life I need gentle, subtle guidance and that though He longs for my heart and for closeness with me, I'm not always open to that. But He's been faithful in breaking down mental barriers that were preventing every possibility of turning to Him.